I sit frozen in a world moving around me. I am here, right? The smile on a young boys face wrinkles his nose, so perfectly placed in between two bright, rosy, red cheeks determines my existence. I am brilliantly, placed in pit of something Godly or utterly, evil. The repetition of annoyance created by the mere image of peace makes me comfortable. The sacrifice of pure enjoyable time was swept away by a multitude of a need for more – PERFECTION! It’s an ever striving goal never achieved by the intended. The dedication to happiness, wholeness, beauty to all the adamant and material of life is feasted upon by a feeling of being jaded. A scar if you will. The clashing of every aspect of life around you could be exactly what you need. Is this life a journey of breaking the chain or are we living our own Hell?
I have a bad habit… I have found pleasure in refinement. I think it is caused by keeping my mind busy. If you don’t have the time to see the world around you there is no way to analyze the decision you’ve made from the pleasure of comforting, vice. Every morning, I look in the mirror before I leave for work. I change endless times trying to find something to wear that is comfortable and stylishly complements the world I wish I was living in. Picture brown and tan swirled medium length carpet, a wooden box TV, and Shake and Bake pork chops for dinner. Are you picturing it? Now subtract the Mom. Add a Father that works 70 hours a week and Step-Mother trying to please everyone around her. Now you’ve found it, my life, if I used what I was taught. I refused. There was this whole other life I could have had. One that has a beautiful, with a mother baking pies at home with the children and a Father walking in the door at 6pm to sit down with the family for a warm dinner. Talk of the what fun it was walking the dog, and exciting the church service would be on Sunday was what I would have, damn it. Predictability WAS going to save me and if couldn’t I would.
You see I have this box. It’s not a very big box, but it has a few little important things in it. The little things may not be much to you, but they are my little things. Little things that are necessary to my happiness. You an I maybe different because my things; are things, not feelings, not people, not emotions, but things. I live in this box and it doesn’t have a lot of room for anyone else. It was built from envy, dedication, and complete avoidance of any feelings at all. To me, it was Heaven. And Heaven was safe. I thought it was the Heaven everyone dreamed of, but of course you learn when trying to share your box that not everyone has the same things in mind to put in the box.
[Wait, I know how to avoid this! What if you just make it some you want the things they want in the box? Too much of a control freak for that… If I could just make them so happy, I bet they wouldn’t care about what things we had in MY box though, right? You know, after all the effort I put into this, maybe I do even need this box anymore…Yes, oh yes I do!]
– A glimpse into every relationship, I have ever had.
What better way to reveal someone’s scars that to pull on the strings of their heart? I’m kind of cliché, I had a few different moments a with Jack and Jim, several good men. Each one left wide open for the next woman. I had these cruel intentions that I brought into each and every relationship. I subconsciously placed myself in relationships that reminded me of the world I grew up in. Mediocre to say the least. However, it never stopped me from giving someone something they’ve never experienced. Unconditional love. I was good at it. I loved them all for them, I was there completely. Until I wasn’t. It was them, it really was me. The high of new and exciting wears off and suddenly you see what you signed up for. And I had signed up for Pork Chops. I always found myself straying back toward that unfamiliar betterment that your ” Jack & Jim’s” aren’t known to strive for. We all remain friends to this day because they all chalk it up to a Wild horse and share a love for the envy.
A wild heart never wants to be alone. Along my journey of learning to love myself and others, I was blessed with a handsome, wittingly determined, full of life little boy. It changed me. I was not allowed to be careless with people’s feelings anymore. I had to explain to everyone up front who I was again. Or who I had intended to be. I gave up my box, it became his. It the kind of love that stops life around you that you experience from your children. I could no longer walk about not explaining myself or carelessly fall head over heels for someone who did fit in his box. I was lost, but emotionally found. I had to learn who I was and who he wanted me to be. You cannot love someone until you know what it means to love yourself.
Then it came… That relationship that makes you feel as if you are waging a war against your inner demons. One that challenge the depths of your soul and mirrors all your habits. While gracefully comforting you in love and euphoria. It makes you question things. A comfort ability that pushes you to accomplish all your dreams. As I stare back at myself swallowed by mercy and trials, I can figure out if I am in Heaven or if I am in Hell.