Let it be you!

Why does it feel so wrong to chose myself? I’ve been here too many times to count. A whirl wind romance on the fritz staggering between falling apart or becoming toxic. I’m not a victim. I know my faults, flaws, and wrong doings. I know I continue the vicious cycle, I cringe at the first flare up of an argument because I know it is the beginning of a down hill battle of respect among one another. I know this path better than the route home from work. I run with the idea that different actions will create different reactions. I have been loving, selfish, understanding, distant, and as a last resort committed to therapy! None of them of which have changed the outcome.

I’ve lost myself in the conundrum of , “Can people really change?”.  We are human. We make mistakes. We also learn and grow, is there a rule book somewhere that justifies a fair fight? How many times does someone get to overstep boundaries before the refs calls a personal foul? Or maybe I need to look within for the answers. Is it a matter of low self-esteem and poor choices? Did I accept a mission from the universe to help heal those that have almost given up? This is my life, my choices, and what I allow, but I struggle with leaving. I would say it is 90% because I’m worried they will give up on themselves again and 10% of not wanting to be alone. My solution, space. I ask for space to be upset, clear my head, and recharge. All any man ever seems to hear when I say this is, “I hate you and I am giving up”.  So, not what happens in the movies, right? What happened to sending flower just because she makes you smile?

It is a repetitive pattern. So I can only assume this is between me and Karma, but damn it, when will I get it right? I am an acquaintance with all my ex’s. It makes me sick to my stomach to hear, ” I feel like I don’t deserve you”. I have heard it all too many times, but it brings me to my latest epiphany. Where are the “middle men”. at? The one’s that aren’t perfect or rich, but they want to provide for their family and respect women? I feel like it is a choice of conforming to the lifestyle of a man that is rich to feel as though your are with a provider or dismantle your self-respect to be with someone that give the illusion of being in love with who you really are until it comes to fruition. I’m soul that has to roam free, so there will be no conforming for the sake of a false sense of security. I want so badly to draw the line in sand when it comes to falling in love with illusion, but it tricks me better and better each go around.

My thoughts are jaded and my heart is confused. As I look around at couples, I can’t help, but think it’s an unspoken acceptance of settling. He has the money, she has the looks. Ya know, the cliche type of political relationships you see where one benefits from the other, but the benefit is not that of love. I’m not perfect and I am too rough around the edges to date a man with my career focus. Nor am I willing to sacrifice my hopes and dreams to stay at home with the children. I can’t be with someone that doesn’t contribute just because I want someone available in my small amount of free time. I guess it is silly to think there is something in between, huh? I’m a mom that is married to her career…

” Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you’re wondering which way to go, remember that your career will wake up and tell you it doesn’t love you anymore.” -Lady Gaga

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59 Comments

  1. Nice post. Even from a mans perspective, I related to some of your points. I’ve heard the line “you deserve better” more than I’d like. Is that an admission of guilt, or just an easy way out? The feelings are real and as humans we all want someone to call our home. Problem is, I’ve settled before and I won’t do it again. Is there a middle ground? I’d hope so, but I seem to keep meeting people on complete opposite sides of the spectrum. Makes me wonder sometimes, I am really healed or am I clearly seeing this injured and hurting world we live in.

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    1. Thank you! I am beginning to think it is a repetitive cycle after a toxic relationship. We want home so badly we fall into a habitual pattern of looking for some grandiose love which is most prevalent in a toxic relationship. I have found it is an admission of guilt. I’m sure some have used it it as an easy way out, but no one has ever left me, it gets to a point I ya e to walk away because I’ve been sucked dry by someone who needs more help than I am willing to give. I even thought before, I must be here just love and heal and that a relationship for me consists healing someone and then moving on to the next. Or maybe it some weird abusive pattern. I don’t what I want to believe. I wish there was someone with an unbiased outside perspective that can say hey, this is it, this what your doing wrong or this is what you should change to avoid it.

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  2. The fact you’re aware it’s a repetitive cycle, is a step in the right direction. Problem is, we think we’ve gotten past that point, than bam it happens again. From what I’ve learned, it means we haven’t learned the lesson yet. What that lesson is exactly, I guess in time if we are open and willing, we’ll find out.

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    1. Agreed! Is the lesson walking away at the first sign of toxicity? I think there is a stigma of love that you are suppose to fight for it and if you just give up an walk away your an asshole. But where is the line drawn between toxic and normal relationship issues? I feel as if I have very few non toxic relationships I don’t even know the difference anymore. It’s hard to see through the fog. Or is it just my habitual thinking from past toxicity? If only I knew what the answer was. I am sure it is within, but my inability to make decisions keeps me confused and pondering….

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      1. My opinion would be yes. Knowing your boundaries and worth and sticking to them. I’ve been single for almost 3 years now, so I haven’t been able to institute much of what I have learned in this growing process. I would imagine I will handle indifferences a lot better now. I wouldn’t say my previous two relationships were toxic, however I was left both times. They both taught my different, but valuable lessons.

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      2. I commend you on staying single if it is for the sake of self growth. I crave partnership, so there are times I find myself in another toxic situation. I am just trying to break the cycle.

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  3. I hate when men say they don’t deserve us. It’s such a cop out and it makes you wonder if your awesomeness is too much for people to handle. How is that fair? I had someone tell me once that my intelligence probably attracts complicated people and that’s why I get friend zoned. He turned out to be the same. But really it’s their own fear, which isn’t complicated. It’s standard practice. You sound awesome. Hope you find someone who appreciates it

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  4. This is a well written glimpse of raw emotion and tangled thought. Well done! I don’t think that settling for less is the answer, but I don’t know what is. Being true to yourself (and figuring out what that means) as well as striving to understand that all the humans around you, including yourself, have an innate value is a constant struggle. We all deserve love, but the search for what that means is a difficult one.
    Great post, and also thank you muchly for following my blog! I appreciate the support.

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    1. That’s it! I’m still discovering myself. And others. I did a of research about toxic relationships and narcissists. It made me think, do people really sit back and knowingly and intentionally manipulate? And if so, how common is it really. Or is it a matter of the environment they grew up in and habits from toxic relationships also? Or even a personality disorder where they don’t even know they are doing it.

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      1. Often we are the most hurtful to people around us when we don’t even realise it. Understanding that can help us have grace for people who have hurt us. But just because people don’t always know what they’re doing doesn’t make it less toxic. The most toxic relationships probably result from subconscious thoughts and decisions, and that’s what makes them so destructive. It takes effort to be intentional and honest in relationships, especially when other people won’t be, but it’s so important.

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      2. I absolutely love your wisdom! I agree. We have such a tendency to thing it is purposeful when it really may not be. We react differently depending on whether it purposeful or not. Communication is key!!!

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Very creative and beautiful. Did you just start this blog on July 4th? I asked because that is the oldest post I can see according to your list of posts. I strongly disagree with your post about the military and Fourth of July. In a nutshell, I don’t think our military is protecting anything except the corporate imperialism that has placed “our” troops all over the world.

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  6. We are all in the same boat Vibe, sometimes it feels like the Titanic, sometimes the Good Ship Lollipop. Don’t overthink it or the boat will overturn. You should use every “failed” relationship as a guiding star to steer you away from those jagged rocks instead of feeling that your rudder is stuck and you’re hitting the same rocks on every voyage. Your hand is the one guiding the ship so steer it where you want it to go and when you’re off the stormy sea and in a safe and lovely tropical harbour remember the lessons from the last harbour town that ended up trashed, Avoid fights, admire the scenery, compromise, smile. I can tell you, as a boy myself, that a girls smile will calm a storm at sea. You are so very gorgeous and so thoughtful that I know for a fact that there’s an adorable sailor boy out there just longing to sign onto your crew. Bon Voyage.

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  7. Sometimes love hurts, the question is. when it does, will we still stay or will we go? after all, if we leave and come back it is still love, at least from the one who waited and welcomed the other with open arms. If both stay, even when the pain is worse than anything you can imagine, then it is love from both sides. Sometimes it might be leaving in physical, sometimes in the mind. Sometimes for a short break, sometimes a longer. Long and short after all, are relative terms depending on our experience of time. In the end though, as all fairytales show us, true love, conquers all. I hope you find someone for you if you haven’t already. There is someone out there for everyone ❤

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  8. Hmmmm…. you’ve got a lot going on in your mind right now. I’m 45 and have been married twice, and been in another long term relationship and they all failed. BUT, in 2014, I started dating my current boyfriend, and I love him with all of me. BUT, I had no idea how to be in a relationship with him. I was starting to see the same mistakes happen again, and I just wanted to run. But, instead, I sat quietly and went through our relationship and marked the times in which things changed for me. Once I figured that out, then I had to decide if I wanted to be w/ him or not and if the work was worth it. It is. We’re learning how to talk to one another, how to be intimate and how to love correctly. The raw attraction leaves and you have to really love the person. Anyway, I had just make the effort to be honest with myself and him. Things are way better!

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    1. Yes! Thank you for this. You give me hope. I was having the same kind of situation with my current relationship and thought to myself is this some form of Karma, am I supposed to run or what am I supposed to do differently? So your situation is music to my ears that there is hope it just takes the right person.

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      1. I went into my current relationship with one foot out the door. How can something be successful when I’m ready to run before I even give it a real chance? I was honest with him, though. I finally told him about my past and that I’m a runner. I don’t want to run this time. There is hope.

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  9. I like the idea of choosing yourself. For many, many people that is the best choice. And it’s always better than choosing someone who doesn’t bring out the best in us. Thanks for visiting me and “liking” my silly story about the dummy in the ditch.

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  10. I love your posts. It sounds like you are so giving and compassionate that you draw needy people into your life so you can love them but they suck your energy like vampires who need someone else to complete them. I think you’re “Whole” and deserve another “Whole” rather than, as people say, “my other Half.” Take care.

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    1. I appreciate your support. I have thought this several times. I believe that I am making progress, however, I have mastered patience, yet. Each times I get a little closer. I thought for sure I had it right this last go around, but nope. Maybe each time my compassion or giving ways change the view of those that are needy. Maybe, not, but it helps me believe that being this way is positive thing for this world.

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  11. Hey, thanks for checking out my blog. I’m glad you found something helpful there. Your writing is so raw and real. Thank you for sharing your heart. I’ve been there myself so many times. I’m finding healing as I grow in my relationship with Jesus. I don’t know how I’d survive without him. He loves you too!

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